I Was Never Brave
by Unfortunate Circumstances
Summary: William admits what he's done wrong and confesses that his being brave was all a sham: he was actually terrified of the danger that lurked on Lyoko. However, it's too late-he's already destroyed the Core of Lyoko and has surrendered to Xana. Pre-Season 4.
1. Bravery, or Lack Of

I didn't want to tell them...

That I was so afraid of what was on Lyoko. All I can do is act. I did that. I acted for you, and I tried to be my bravest. You told me the world was in danger. I did my best to be brave. I did such a good job of acting that I fooled everyone around me. I made Xana think I was actually worth something.

Coveted by something that was nothing. Ugh. I shiver, thinking about it now.

Couldn't you see? That I was afraid. I couldn't come up and tell you. I wanted to prove that I could help, and now look. Look at what I've done! I'm so scared. I'm so scared! PLEASE...  
I can't act anymore. I'm scared. I'm breathing hard. My heart is beating really fast. I can only see a void. The entire universe is filled with storming clouds, and I can't stop shaking. **I'm scared. Someone, please...**

...I'm sorry.  
I ruined everything, just as it was supposed to get _better_. I was supposed to make things _better. _That was why you told me everything. That was why you swore me to secrecy. So I could make things _better._

...When I was a kid, I was the same. Inwardly, I was terrified. But I acted really tough, to hide that. The kids respected me, and they saw me as a big brother. I wasn't as scared. I got older, and a little smarter. I fell in love. It wasn't scary at all until I went too far. I thought she loved me too.  
No.  
I got in trouble, and I learned to be more cautious. Another acting lesson learned, another school gone by. My parents? Furious. And I became scared again. I didn't show it because of my childhood reputation as a tough kid. I came to Kadic, frightened.

And then I met you, Yumi. Thank God I met you. You showed me around, showed me almost everything. Almost. I felt you hid something from me. I liked that. Could you feel that I was hiding something too? I wondered why you decided to show me. Show me everything. ...Now, I'm not so scared.

Yumi, you helped me meet Ulrich. I was jealous of you, Ulrich, because you had such a bond with the girl-no, young woman who helped me be brave. You showed me that I had to try and be subtle. Well, I learned to be a little more subtle from you. In return, I tried to goad you into action. I still wasn't successful when Xana captured me. I'm sorry for all the grief I caused you, Ulrich. You had courage...and I don't.

Ulrich introduced me to Odd. I still don't know if you're human, Odd. Ha! I found your recklessness real. You weren't afraid, ever. I was jealous of that, too. Somehow, you found a way to amuse everyone, even me. I couldn't be funny if my life depended on it. I'm acting, but you're living. I want to live like you, Odd.

Odd showed me to Aelita. You're a master of words for someone so reserved. Your timidness reminded me that everyone has something to hide. Like I do. You even look a little like me, with the hairstyle and all. I wish I could've learned a little more about you before I was _taken. _I would've asked why you're so shy.

Aelita brought me to Jeremie. You've done all sorts of crazy things because of the attacks Xana has instigated. You're not withdrawn at all, but I am. You're brave in your own right, pulling all sorts of stunts to finish programs, save your friends, get to the factory. Your friends should acknowledge this more so you don't lose this courage, as I have.

...all of you...  
Why couldn't I be as brave as you?...


	2. Getting Desperate

I've been trapped for what feels like forever now. I feel sick inside. No, maybe that's just Xana. I'm not coming out of my room. Nothing, nobody, can make me come out of my room. They all knock on the door, but I stay completely silent. I won't talk.

_I can't talk.  
_Something...overwhelmed me. Maybe I'm just hopeless. I can hear them, every time Xana forces me to go...I can hear their voices over me, around me, sometimes below me... and my so-called friends taunt me. What the hell?!

I'm losing 'sleep' over this shit. Why would they turn around and gouge me in the back of their own free will? I can't break free from Xana, no matter how much or how hard I try. I can't slip away, I can't maintain my own free will.  
Oh my God, someone kill me _please._

...Would it be better than remaining here where I have no freedom whatsoever? I suppose so. Being dead, maybe I'd get a little more RESPECT. All my flowers would arrive, too late. People would say nice things about me, even if they can't find any-they'll make some up. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have my grave robbed. I want attention.

Give me attention and I won't do stuff to _get _attention. I'm afraid of it, and yet...I'm addicted. It's like some sort of drug. Maybe I'm just afraid of the consequences...but someone should tell that to my big mouth. I'm always saying the wrong things at the wrong times. Maybe that's why Yumi and Ulrich hate me.

...  
Maybe I should take some social skills classes. But it won't ever get Yumi to like me back. Maybe I should just give up on her, then. She belongs to Ulrich. But...always, always, always, I find myself coming back to her. I don't know why I come back. Maybe she's just a...a mother figure to me. I don't know why, nobody else knows why. I should ask a counselor.

If I get out of here alive that is. I'm pretty sure they'll get tired of trying to save me and reason I'd rather die than be Xana's slave. Then they'll pull the plug on me and I'll die with Xana, forever Xana.

I'm so scared now.  
I'm pulling my knees closer to my chest. I don't want to stay with Xana, no, not him... My heart is screaming, my body aches, my brain is dissolving inside of my head... _I can't handle this much longer._

I softly whimper, burying my head in my knees. I can't-think-straight-I can't-I can't-I can't-but...me...better off, if this fight sets me free..._my heart is torn in two, how much longer can this last? A- _

_No, don't you dare come any closer. Get away from me! GET AWAY FROM ME! I SAID, GET AWAY FROM ME! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!  
_I can't do anything in here. I can't even talk. I can't talk, for people who won't hear.

Haah. _I think I'm beginning to lose it. Aaaaargh. I'm getting another headache. The Scyphozoa's getting a little too friendly. It won't listen to me, no of course not. It's not any different from school.  
__At school, well...I was never brave there, either. Couldn't make a stand for anything. Had to pretend not to be afraid in the face of the faculty. I'm so lame...hahaha..._

_It feels like a giant stone is sitting in my stomach, waiting for me to vomit it up, but I can't do it...I can't breathe! I CAN'T BREATHE! I hate it here! I want to go home... ...but...how is home any different than here?  
__**God, someone give me the answers, please!**_

_**SOMEONE GIVE ME ANSWERS!**_

* * *

And so the descent into hopelessness begins...


End file.
